Listing...

Alright, I think I’ve been away too long. So, now I’m gonna do a list, to organize my thoughts.

ROMANIA

I’ve been in Romania for two months now (with a pretty long holiday in between). The experience has been great so far. I’m teaching English, I’m allowed to take full part in all the petty power games in the staffroom, and the pupils are nice. No behaviour problems whatsoever. I live in the dorms and I have FOUR beds for myself. Not only I don’t have to cook, but since I’m a ‘doamna profesora’ I don’t have to queue at the canteen, I got pretty much waited on, and they even do my laundry! I like this country. I also like the people a lot. I will never live here (at least not here in Piatra Neamt), but I’m enjoying my assistantship.

PGCE

University #1 thought well to make me wait for a month, ask me my high school and BA grades (both 100%) stating that ‘they couldn’t further process my application without those dates’, make me wait for another month and then reject me without interview. Nice people. University #2, on the other hand, after only two weeks invited me for an interview. The interview will be in exactly 26 days and 18 hours. After the initial excitement and the preparation work, I had a bad period of insomnia and sort of panic thinking about it, but I have now sorted it with daimoku. I hope they will take me. What else can I say?

PLUMP-CHEEKS

Plump-cheeks apparently remembered my existence and wrote a couple of very apologetical emails. I noticed that I no longer have a crush on her. This pleases me enormously.

L-THING

I must admit I had a totally ‘Ewa’ reaction to the idea of being a lesbian. I started reading. Basically I started studying. I could write a fucking dissertation on lesbian studies if I wanted. I also drew a sort of PhD research project (in case the PGCE doesn’t happen) on Russian lesbian literature. Bit much, you think? The point is that, as usual when it comes to feelings, I’m not sure. I’ve never functioned right with regards of feelings. Sometimes I stop in the middle of something and I ask myself ‘Am I really feeling it, or I’m just acting?’. It’s not a very good thing, when you lock up yourself so tightly that you don’t even distinguish anymore between the reality and the act you created to protect yourself from being hurt. And the world, as usual, doesn’t help. A heterosexual person is just that, even if they’re virgin, but a homosexual has to prove it. So I have to prove that I’m a lesbian, affirming it it’s not enough. At least this is what Drummie probably meant, when he said that I was half a lesbian. This hurt me beyond reason. Or maybe not, maybe AGAIN I’m only deluding myself into thinking that I can feel something real. Oh, fuck. So I’m digging into myself, into my past, trying to prove to myself that it’s true, that this is what I am. Apparently the fact that I’ve only been happy with myself since I realized that is not enough. And the fact that I had the best sex of my life with a woman is not enough, because: ‘one is too little’. Maybe if I fucked an entire softball team it would be enough?

FAMILY

My other grandmother, after depriving me of my inheritance and pretty much making my mother’s life hell for the past… er… 50 years, decided to cut every contact with me and her, stating that I broke her heart. I’m still trying to figure out what I did, apart from not spending with her every single second of my month in Sicily before going to Romania. It cracks me up that a person so basically evil could exist and still be able to watch herself in the mirror, but hey, that’s life. As I like to say, life is nice, people suck. And they do. I am frankly exhausted after years of trading on eggshells not to hurt this horribly selfish person, just because my mother was too good to her. She will die alone. Goodbye gran. Oh, and goodbye uncle. Therefore, I no longer have maternal relatives. I only have my parents, and my father’s side of the family. And thank goodness we get on extremely well. Apart from Drummie saying I was half a lesbian. But actually gran said not to worry about it, so I won’t.

LANGUAGES

I think my Spanish steadily improved. I am not, of course, totally happy with it, and probably would be happy with it only after having spent a year in Spain and passed the DELE C2, but I have to trust my instinct and accept that it’s not too bad. Hopefully enough to grant me access to the PGCE. Let’s see.

My Romanian, on the other hand, is non-existent. Great victories are managing to obtain a spoon or a brush from the caretakers of the dorms. But I swear, if they take me on the PGCE next month, I’m gonna devote every last day of my assistantship to learn Romanian. Oh, yes *gazes at the horizon*